Time for one last Month in Review… November was a hard month. Having a cold the first week of the month meant falling further behind during one of the worst months to fall behind because of orders to print. So, the rest of the month I was incredibly sleep deprived, which also meant I was an interesting level of cranky. But, I tried to hide that (albeit unsuccessfully at times) and did meet all deadlines and survive the month, so I’m counting that as a win.
This month, the Monday Morning Verses for the Facebook page were from Colossians, and the Trivia Fun was about King Nebuchadnezzar and his pride-induced fall. There was also one devotional post for the Facebook page early in the month.
The last highlight for the website was another podcast highlight. This time, I went with Episode 3: “When the Journey Leaves You Bitter.” It’s one of my favorites, and in a month where the temptation toward bitterness was intense at times, it was beneficial for me to revisit it.
As far as writing goes, I continued to work on current lesson studies and devotional projects that are in progress. I also started a new adult study from Psalms that I’m really excited about after struggling for a bit to settle on where to go next.
One night, too tired to think and needing something relaxing, I started drawing images to use for VBS advertising, which was fun. I’m trying not to think about the fact that, that’s all I’ve done for VBS or that content is more important than advertising… I’ll get there.
That pretty much covers November and wraps up the end of 10 years of For the Journey. So, now for the “and More” part…
Not that I would expect you to remember, but last November, wrestling with whether to continue with For the Journey or hang it up, I committed to one more year. And, the plan was to spend that year celebrating 10 years of For the Journey and prayerfully considering if a decade was all that was meant to be or if I should carry on.
In the early months after that post, there were moments I was sure I was hanging it up. There were moments I didn’t even think I would make it to November before hanging it up. But, there were also moments I didn’t think there was any way at all I could walk away from it. Basically, I was just uncertain. Just praying and seeking.
Then, one night in July, I was over at my parents’ house ranting to my Mom about never having enough time for anything (because that was totally an effective use of what time I did have…). Really, I was just angry rambling, and I heard myself say, “I mean, I guess I could give up running, but then you’ll have to have me committed because I’ll go stark raving mad.” I really put forth a great deal of effort to always appear calm and collected before the rest of the world, but my Mom gets the real me… Moving on, in my mind, the thought of giving up running, which is my therapy in case you didn’t pick up on that, brought me back to debating giving up For the Journey, and I had to ask myself what my life would look like without it. I’m not a wife. I’m not a mom. I’ve had a variety of jobs and side jobs, but I don’t have a career. (As much as I would love for it to, I’m a realist, and writing doesn’t pay bills, so it doesn’t count as a career.) Suddenly, all these questions were rapid firing through my mind: What would be left? What would I do with all this time I’m spending each week? I don’t have TV. I don’t have many friends. I don’t have money to travel. Plus, I’m a homebody, and traveling stresses me out, so I wouldn’t if I had the money. I have a to-be-read pile of books that is out of control, but still… Would I go nuts? I might go nuts! I realized, in that moment, how big a hole it would leave in my life if I gave up this ministry that I’ve poured my heart and soul into for 10 years, and I didn’t want to face that hole. So, just like that, I had my answer. Ten years seemed like a good start, not a good place to stop.
Then, in October, after one more writing disappointment (One would think I’d be used to those by now…), I got really depressed and wavered pretty seriously on that decision. I got to thinking I was wrong to feel so sure. I got to thinking maybe I needed to pray some more. Do a little more seeking. After all, it wasn’t the end of November. I hadn’t committed to anything yet.
As if I haven’t overshared and been transparent enough in this post already, here goes some more… I needed ideas for three lessons to finish up an adult study, or I was going to be in serious trouble when it came time to print November orders. So, naturally, I started praying about it. And, if I’m not mistaken, it was the very next day, and I found myself at work quickly typing notes into my phone because I had it. I had all three of them. I just couldn’t write them at that exact moment and didn’t want to lose the flow of ideas. I was amazed at how fast and how completely God answered my prayer (so amazed that I struggled not to start crying randomly at work, which would have been hard to explain).
Not long after that (In fact, I really think it was the next night.), it hit me like a ton of bricks that most of the time God answers my personal prayers with nos or endless waiting. To clarify, I don’t mean He tells me to wait for 10 years when I pray for forgiveness because I messed up or only answers all my prayers of any sort with nos. I’m referring to those desperate-desires-of-my-heart prayers, those sure-feel-like-needs-not-wants-to-me prayers. Those have almost all been nos or endless waiting. And, that was a really hard realization. It made me feel like the lousiest of all Christians on the face of the earth. But, I also had to admit I pray for the wrong things. I pray for things I think will finally make me happy or make life fun and enjoyable instead of just all about survival. I pray prayers without any faith behind them because years of disappointments and waiting have left me bitter and doubting. Plus, I close with “Not my will, but Thine be done,” and well, His will usually doesn’t match mine, and that’s okay. He knows better, and I know that even if I don’t always like it. Seriously, I racked my brain trying to think of personal prayers that had been answered and not with a no or wait and wait and wait some more, and I’m ashamed of how long it took to even come up with one…
The next realization, however, made me feel a little better about myself. I remembered how fast and completely God had answered that prayer for those three Sunday School lessons. And, I realized that I couldn’t think of one time, not one time, when I was stumped on a lesson and started praying that God didn’t answer. I couldn’t think of one time that I had prayed for direction for where to go next for a study or for help finishing a project that God answered with a no. When I pray in writing, God answers and often without much wait time on my part.
Realizing this crazy hard but also crazy wonderful writing journey is where I’ve been blessed to see prayers answered again and again, realizing it’s been what makes me feel closest to God, realizing it’s where I feel most securely in His will for me and for my life, well, those all seemed like much better reasons for continuing on than just not wanting to face a rather large void.
In “The Month in Review and More” from last November, I wrote, “…my hope and prayer is something happens in the next year allowing me to break through the spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion currently plaguing me and that I’m ready for (I don’t know) at least 10 more years of For the Journey by next November.” And, except maybe for the physical exhaustion part because I’m definitely still existing in a constant state of tiredness, I think that hope was realized, that prayer answered, just in time for me to finalize a decision for my self-appointed deadline.
So, I’m not closing up shop, but this will be the last Month in Review. They were a great way to document all the things to celebrate 10 years of For the Journey, but they take time that I think could be better spent doing other things, and most months they’re a little repetitive. So, I’m still toying with the idea of perhaps doing quarterly reviews, and I’m tossing around some other ideas in my head for website posts. We’ll just have to see… I’m also nixing the monthly Trivia Fun on the For the Journey Facebook page. I think only about three or four people will miss it anyway. Good news, though, at least for now, I’m planning to continue with the Monday Morning Verses as well as all other For the Journey offerings, just less prolifically because, as much as I hate to admit it, I just can’t keep up like I could in my 20s. Still, I’m excited and can’t wait to continue this journey, so I hope you’ll stay tuned for more!
For the Journey Literature 